


Changes

by amanda_jolene



Series: Punk Rae [8]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Gen, Punk Rock Rae
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 20:45:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1997199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amanda_jolene/pseuds/amanda_jolene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae starts to change. (Part of the PRRae series)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changes

He’s not sure but he thinks he’s having a stroke. 

There’s a brief moment where he wishes he would have paid less attention to the diagrams of vaginas and breasts and more attention to the warning signs of strokes and seizures in health class. He didn’t though but he does remember that two of the signs of a stroke are a drooping mouth and slurred speech. His fingertips find his mouth in a tight line and the what the fuck that drops from his lips definitely isn’t slurred. 

Rae, his beautiful punk rock goddess, is sitting at a table all by herself. Her being alone isn’t the part that makes him think he’s having a stroke (Rae likes to be alone a lot). No, it’s the fact that she’s got her hair in a braid and she’s wearing a fucking cream colored top and black skirt that doesn’t even have a hint of lace that’s giving him weird heart palpitations. 

He has weird dreams sometimes (mostly involving his wayward mother) where he spots someone he knows out in a crowd and when he reaches them, they turn into a monster. So he’s careful in his approach because as much as he wants this to be a dream, he also doesn’t want to wake up drenched in sweat with his heart beating a hundred miles an hour. He’s almost to her when she spots him and for a second, he face reads oh, fuck before she puts on a smile and waves. Gone is her eyeliner and red lipstick and nose ring. In their place is soft, shimmery make up (he idly wonders if Chloe and Izzy is behind this makeover) and pink lip gloss. 

When he slips in the seat across from her and says her name softly, she fidgets a little. “Don’t suppose I could convince you I’m Rae’s twin, could I?” 

“I think at this point, I could be convinced of anything.” He notices she winces at his words. 

“I know I look ridiculous.” 

“No, you look beautiful. You always look beautiful. It’s just different.””

“I look like I raided my mum’s closet,” she rolls her eyes. “Which is exactly what I did.” 

He wants to ask her what she’s doing but he figures it’s probably none of his business what she wears or what she’s doing and even if he wanted to, he couldn’t ask because his tongue has adhered to the roof of his mouth. 

“I’m meeting my dad,” she supplies when the silence becomes overwhelming. 

“Karim?” The confusion is evident in his voice. 

“No. My rea- I mean, my biological dad.” 

The news hits him like a ton of bricks. Her biological father. She was meeting him? Surely he had heard her wrong. “I thought he lived in Scotland?” 

“Apparently, he’s been in Lincolnshire the whole time.” 

“And he’s never tired to get in contact with you?” 

“Well… I mean, you know how my mum is. I found his address on a card in her purse and I rang him. He said he wanted to meet up.” 

Finn’s still unsure. “But why now? And why are you dressed like this for him?” 

Her mouth sets in a firm line and she crosses her arms in front of her chest, not meeting his eye. “He’ll be here any second. You should probably go.” 

It’s the first dismissal she’s ever given him and it stings enough that his shoulders hunch. She tries to lessen the blow with a smile. “I’ll see you tonight, right?”

He nods, trying to recover from both her weird behavior and the fact that she just told him to leave. “Yeah, I’ll pick you up at seven.” 

When he gets home, he goes straight upstairs and throws himself face first on his bed because he’s got a pounding headache. Why would she ever want to meet her scumbag father? This was the same man who up and left Linda with a two year old and no money. The same man who never sent any child support, who had never tried to get in touch with his daughter. This was the man who had made Rae cry without ever lifting a finger, the reason she had trust issues, the reason she doubted every move Finn made because she couldn’t imagine a man doing anything out of love. And for her to find out that he’s been around this entire time and has ignored her very existence and still want to meet him? Finn had half a mind to go back and punch the man’s lights out but Rae had seemed so insulted by his lack of understanding that he was 100% sure she would head butt him (and kill him on impact).

His head still has a tinge of pain when he leaves to pick her up but when she comes out of the house in a dark purple lace dress. Her nylons are torn but they are pretty sheer and it’s just as good. Suddenly, his mood isn’t so foul and he’s wondering if they could just skip the pub and find somewhere to park. She asks him what he did all day and he doesn’t have the heart to tell her he laid in bed and worried about her mental state all afternoon, so he just shrugs and mumbles something about listening to records and he doesn’t ask her how things went with her father because if he’s honest, he doesn’t want to know. Either the guy was an ass (and Finn needed to punch him) or he showed up and probably fed her a bunch of excuses as to why he was never around (and Finn needed to punch him). 

“Do you mind if we stop by the tattoo shop? I lost my nose ring and need to get another.” 

He doesn’t know why he can’t keep his mouth shut, but he mumbles something about probably shouldn’t have taken it out to begin with and he knows he’s in trouble when she shakes her head and crosses her arms. “Never mind, I’ll go tomorrow.” 

“I don’t… I didn’t mean…” 

“Just forget it.” 

“It’s right on the way, Rae. Really.” 

“I said no,” she snaps. 

“Fine, whatever.” 

(The rest of the night, they barely talk.)

They don’t fight like this. They just don’t. Finn knows they’ve had their arguments but things usually get resolved pretty fast. But this… this has been rocking on for days. It’s a weird feeling, not knowing what’s going on in her head because she never goes to the tattoo shop to get another nose ring and one day she shows up to college in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, no make-up and people gawk at her and her friends question her and it’s the first time Finn truly and utterly avoids her (he doesn’t even try to catch a glimpse of her). 

It’s other things, too. There’s a tense feeling in Rae’s house when Finn stops by one day and it’s apparent that Linda and Rae have both been crying and Karim tries to explain to Finn that “my girls they fight” and when Finn tries to question Rae on it, she tells him she has to meet her dad for tea and they will talk later. They never do, though, because she doesn’t call. 

Two weeks into this madness, she finally tells Finn that Linda is pregnant. “At her age, can you imagine?” And while she’s thrilled for a new baby, Finn can also tell there’s some doubt in her mind because it was hard enough to adjust to Karim when it had been just her and Linda for so long… how was she supposed to adapt to a new baby? 

“Is this why you’re hanging out with…” he always lets the sentence trail off when it comes to her biological dad because Finn refuses to call him her dad or even acknowledge that the bastard has a name. 

“No, not at all.” But he can tell she means yes. “I just don’t think it’s fair that she’s kept me from him for so long.” 

“Who? Your mum?” Finn has a soft spot for Linda (for all mother’s, really) and he knows Rae loves her and can’t imagine why there’s such a sudden rift between mother and daughter. “Rae, he’s lived here your entire life. I don’t think it’s your mum’s fault.” 

“He told me that he stayed away because he didn’t want to step on her toes. She’s so overbearing… that’s the reason he left! She acts so stupid about everything and-“ Her mouth falls open, words halt when he stands up from the table and grabs his bag. “What are you doing?” 

“I love you, Rae. I do. But I can’t sit here and listen to you put your mum down like this. It’s not right and you know it. I really can’t believe you’d believe him over her.”

They don’t talk for a week. 

He misses her. He really does and he knows she misses him because on the fifth day of them not talking, she sends a mix tape to him through Chloe called the “We’re Both Dickheads” mix. He calls her that night and they don’t say much of anything but listening to her breathe is enough for the moment because he is missing all of her sounds. He picks her up the next night and they don’t do much more than just kiss in his backseat until it’s time to meet the gang. He listens as she tells Chloe that her dad forgot to tell her he was going out of town and a fury begins to build inside of Finn because he’s known all along that it would eventually come to this. The same happened with his own mother. She had wanted him in her life for a spell and then she was gone again and he didn’t want the same to happen to Rae. 

It’s a mistake to try and talk her out of seeing her Dad. He realizes this when she’s crying, when she slams the car door and tells him to stay away from her, that it’s over between them and he can go fuck himself. He started out with good intentions, only telling her what was on his heart because he loved her and then her temper had flared and so did his. 

“Do you think it’s the best thing for you right now? I mean, seeing your…” he trailed off again.

“He’s my father.” 

“He hasn’t been for 15 years. Rae, I just don’t want him to hurt you again.” 

“You sound just like my mother,” she rolls her eyes. 

“Well, I would think you would listen to her since she’s had more experience with this twat than you have.” 

Even without her eyeliner, without the nose ring, and the clothes, she’s still the same Punk Rock Rae in attitude and her glare cuts him like a knife. “Don’t you call my father that! What if I called your mum a bitch?” 

“She is, so you would be right. The only difference is, I can fully admit that my mum doesn’t want me but you are too fucking stupid to realize your dad still doesn’t want you!” 

“Well, I can see why she doesn’t want you!” 

They’ve both said things they don’t mean (and both of them are already wishing for a rewind button) but it’s too late and tempers are too high and his next words cut down to the bone, the way he intended. “Yeah, well I get why your mum wanted another baby. Maybe this one will turn out normal.” 

He sits in her driveway for a long time after that and thinks about knocking on her door, apologizing. Two wrongs don’t make a right and what he said was nasty and out of line but her words weren’t much better. Maybe this was for the best, anyway. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe Finnley the Grumpy Sod and Rae the Punk Rock Goddess didn’t make enough sense to last. 

She’s not at college the next day. 

Or the next. 

Chloe is avoiding him like he’s got the plague and the one time he manages to corner her, she stares him down so fiercely that his words die on his lips and he allows her to push past him because he knows she’s not going to pass any messages to Rae for him. 

She’s back in school on Thursday and she breezes past him in a pair of fishnets and boots, acts like he isn’t there and she smiles at the guy with the blue Mohawk (the same guy who told Finn he wanted to fuck Rae against a wall and Finn had to punch him) and it’s all so surreal that Finn has to escape to the bathroom and splash water on his face to catch his breath because even though he had thought for a brief moment that they didn’t make sense together, she’s all he wants. 

He tries to call her but Linda picks up and tells him she has no idea where Rae is. “She doesn’t talk to me anymore. We’ve never fought like this, Finn. What the hell is going on with her?” 

“I think it’s her dad, honestly.” 

“I hate that man,” Linda seethes into the phone. “The only good thing he gave me was Rae and now he’s trying to take her away.” 

“I don’t think this will last with him.” 

Linda is quiet for a moment before she starts crying into the phone. “That’s what I’m worried about.” 

Finn is worried about it, too. So worried that several times a day, he has to place his hands on a flat surface because his stomach starts doing somersaults at the thought of who was going to pick up the pieces of Rae when her dad finally broke her? She was too proud to let Linda and she wasn’t giving Finn the chance to even breathe near her. 

He gets Archie to deliver a mix to her, a You Deserve Better mix and an apology note that took him an hour to write because he couldn’t find the right words. Archie tells him she threw it straight into the trash and told him not to pull that shit again or she’d cut him out, too. “She’s just too punk rock to care, Finn. She’s not your average girl. Remember that.”

Remembering that becomes a daily chore. She didn’t want some timid boy chasing her skirt and that’s what he had been doing. Sending others after, leaving her messages with Linda. He figures it’s time to pull out the big guns and man up and just fuckin’ tell her how he feels.

But then she stops coming to school again. 

And Chloe hasn’t heard from her. 

And neither has Archie. 

No one picks up at her house and he figures it’s a now or never situation and he skips school to track her down. Karim answers the door and he looks so sad when he lets Finn in, doesn’t say a word, just points upstairs. 

The Smiths are playing and it’s a bad sign. She had told him once that The Smiths made her want to slit her wrists and he had laughed at the time but he’s not laughing now. When he knocks on the door, she calls out “Mum, please. I just want to be alone.” Her voice sounds watery. 

He lets himself in and takes in the sight of her. Messy hair, tear stained face, and red, puffy eyes. She wasn’t sick, she had been crying and by the looks of it, she had been crying a lot. He means to say something but his heart is breaking and his throat is closing up and she tries to glare but it gets lost in her tears. 

“Are you… no, you’re not ok.” Finn shuts the door and sits on the edge of her bed. “Rae… I-“ 

“I’m a horrible person,” she tells him, tears leaking out of the corner of her eyes. “I really am. I have no idea why you’re even here.” 

“You’re not a horrible person.” 

“I said awful things to you and my mum and Karim. I didn’t mean any of it, I swear. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry, though. I really am. I can’t believe how terrible I’ve been.” 

“I said some really bad things, too.” 

She shakes her head. “It’s my fault, though. Everyone kept trying to warn me about him and I just insisted on being in his life. I just… I felt like it wasn’t fair that the new baby was going to have a father and I still didn’t. I should have known better, really. You were right when you said he never wanted me and you’re probably right about my mum wanting a chance at a normal kid, too.” 

He winces when she starts to cry again because he knows he’s just as guilty as her father is. “I never should have said that, Rae. I was angry and I… I didn’t mean it. I just…”

“I wasn’t listening. I never do.” 

“I still didn’t have the right to say it.” 

“I didn’t have the right to say what I did about your mum,” she looks at him and the tears really start them (it makes him nervous because he’s never been good with tears). “I don’t understand how she could leave you. I really don’t. You’re the best person I know.”

“Then you don’t know enough people,” he doesn’t wait for an invitation, he just scoots closer and wraps her up in his arms. “I am truly sorry about what I said.” 

“We’re both dickheads.” 

He holds her for a long time before she tells him about what happened with her dad. The man had taken to canceling plans without actually canceling them. He just stops showing up, stops answering her calls. He rang her once to tell her he was sorry but things had come up and maybe they could chat later or catch up, but that had been a week ago. 

“Then I ran into him last night at market. He looked at me like I was a freak of nature. I shouldn’t have gone into meeting him looking like mum. If I had let him know right from the start that I’m the biggest freak in Lincolnshire, none of this would have happened because he would have taken one look at me and ran the other way.” 

“You’re not the biggest freak. I’ve seen your friends pierce their-“

“That was one time!”

“Archie still has nightmares.” 

When she’s stopped laughing and starts crying again, he reaches over to hit play on her tape player (not the CD player because she doesn’t need The Smiths right now) and a very familiar tape starts playing and even though she’s crying, she manages a smile and ducks her head into the crook of his neck. It’s the You Deserve Better mix. “You didn’t throw it away?” 

“Archie thought I did. You’re not as shit with words as you think.” 

(He notices his apology letter is taped to the side of her nightstand and he’s embarrassed but elated that she’d keep it so close.)

Finn goes over everything he wants to do to her dad. The list starts with slashing his tires and egging his house and ends with a punch. He runs this plan by her and she laughs and adds to it, but in the end tells him not to worry about it because she figures it’s just one of those rough life lessons she had to learn. 

“But you have to go right now,” she tells him, pulling away and wiping her eyes dry. 

He balks a little, goes to protest, but she silences him with a kiss. “I’ll leave my window open tonight if you want, but right now I need to apologize to my mum and to Karim. I mean, seriously apologize.” 

She walks him to his car and kisses him thoroughly and he pulls a little box out of his back pocket and hands it to her. “What’s this?” 

He shrugs. “Open it.” 

When she sees what’s inside, she laughs and her eyes start to sparkle again and she’s sparking back to life and he knows he’s never going to see her in cream colored anything ever again because his Punk Goddess is back with a motherfucking vengeance. She takes the tiny silver nose ring out of the box and kisses his neck until he can’t see straight and then whispers, “We need eggs. Lots of eggs for tonight. You game?” 

(And when she lobs the first egg at her father’s house, Linda laughs and says something about being a dysfunctional family and Finn has never been so proud to be a part of something so wrong.)


End file.
